Two Minutes a Fugitive: How To Survive A Man Hunt and Make a Real Good Pulled Pork Sandwich
The sunbeams dappled through the turning cottonwood leaves, and the ducks rooted about the green grass like ducks do, whilst I tended a lovely bed of coals in the Weber Smokey Mountain. Autumn is in the air. The leaves are turning gold now, and red, and orange. Geese are on the wing. Shorter days and colder nights. I’ve always liked this time of year. Brings back some fond memories. Some potent ones too. Like the one time I found myself at the business end of a man hunt, mistaken there for a wanted murderer. That’s why I’m smoking a pork butt today. To pay remembrance to the day I felt like Harrison Ford in the fugitive. Grab yourself a spot of tea, won’t you, and I’ll tell you about it. We will reminisce through the old brain pan whilst I tend my BBQ here. And the wood smoke gently rises.
It was two years ago. It was a routine day, or should have been anyways, and I remember it well. I was on my commute, puttering along the back roads of outer suburbia on my 49cc Yamaha scooter. It was the perfect weather in which to go for a ride. The sun was golden, hanging in a beautiful autumn sky, and the geese were a’plenty as I motored by them feeling the softened wind on my face. It was lovely. About as quaint as an autumn day comes, well almost. That’s when I saw the pretty red lights flashing ominously in my mirror.
Now it isn’t often I get pulled over. And it is considerably less often I get pulled over on my little scooter. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to catch me for speeding on the thing. It can go from zero to sixty in, oh, about never. And I’d be lucky to hit thirty on a down hill, even, lest it was plummeting off a thousand meter embankment. So I was relatively sure I wasn’t speeding. So what did the state’s finest pull me over for then? And more over, why did they have their pistols out, trained on my coronary left ventricle?
It is a prudent thing to not try and out run cops on your scooter, especially when you likely look akin to a circus bear on the thing. So I did the most honorable tactic I could think of, and just pulled over. Why fight it. Their 9 millimeter Glock pistols, deployed and pointed at my rattling heart, sort of removes any procrastination on the matter.
“Get off the scooter and put your hands in the air!” croaked the fuzz. More officers suddenly materialized like phantoms on the scene. Resident squirrels darted for cover.
Now when you find yourself in this sort of predicament, with guns pointed at you, I must say your mind does rather tend to race. I was still trying to figure out what this is all about. They were taking my scooter ride very seriously, after all. And if this is how they deal with expired tabs, well, we’ve got problems. And then it occurred to me, like a dog who just crapped on the new carpet, that helicopters had been flying around all day, and I had heard on the news earlier that there was a dangerous fellow on the run in the area, who had just killed some one in a gas station parking lot a few miles away. Could it be the police thought I was this guy? Well, turned out they did.
I’ll tell you this, it is a lonely feeling to be a wanted fugitive. I didn’t have much going for me as the cops surrounded thee like a pack of wolves to a wayward moose, with my hands trembling in the air. The only thing I had going for me, I figured, was the truth. And eventually, I wagered, somewhere down a perilous and fickle line, they would figure that out. So I proceeded to enjoy a good frisking there along side the road, as the cops got to know me. They asked me some questions and I answered, of course, in an unintelligent blabber better suited for room full of baboons. But they understood it. They’ve seen my kind before. They looked at my ID, looked at me, looked back at the ID, then back at me again, and gloriously came to the accurate conclusion that I was not the man they were looking for. And that I was free to go. The truth had done it’s bidding.
“Sorry“, they said” But we’re looking really hard for some one right now“.
“That’s quite alright“, I croaked, and then I told them about the condition of my underpants. We all had a good laugh over that, and went our separate ways.
Yup, that was quite the day for a humble pit jockey such as yours truly. A day I will long remember, for better or for worse. But a day none-the-less of such note worthy stature that I figured it deserves, perhaps, a meal cooked outside, over a lovely bed of coals. Something slow, and meaningful. Something like pulled pork.
Well, once the pork shoulder ebbed over 195 internal it was ready to rest, and then an hour after that, ready to pull. Whence pulled to our proper spec, we drizzled the drip pan contents back over it, and mixed in some of Joe Joe’s Blackberry Sauce. Son of a yum! If you have not tried this sauce yet, man, I really think you’re missing out. Out of the sauces we reviewed from them, this one was the unanimous favorite by family and friends. Here is a link to it if you’re interested. Joe Joe’s Black Berry Sauce Oh, and Joe, if you’re reading this, we are all out of this amazing sauce...Hint.Hint!
So it was, as I prepped my pecan-smoked pulled pork sandwich, that my day of reflection drew to a close. I know cops have been on the news in recent times for not-so-good reasons, but I must say, that the ones who dealt with me were of good stock. Decent men with families who were just trying to do their job. Men who were putting their lives on the line for a guy on a scooter. For all of us, really. They are nothing short of heroes still in my book. And yes, they caught the guy they were after too, about a week later. He was standing at the Arby’s drive-thru, longing at a photo of a beef and cheddar sandwich there. He gave himself up with out a fight. And I was a free man. Amen.
Slow Pecan Smoked Pulled Pork with a Blackberry Tint. Say what ever you will, but backyard BBQ just doesn’t get any better than this.
September 28, 2016 at 9:21 pm
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… yeah, but you’ve been absent since August! You got some `splainin …
September 28, 2016 at 9:24 pm
Yes indeed, Auntidoni. Yes indeed. I can’t splain my way out other than I had me a vacation from the blogosphere and it was good. Your forgiveness for my absence is requested. Great to see you again Auntiedoni. Aloha!!!
September 28, 2016 at 9:50 pm
Aloha braddah, nice to see ya again!
September 28, 2016 at 9:52 pm
That pulled pork looks incredible!
September 29, 2016 at 2:22 am
Thank you kindly!
September 29, 2016 at 7:46 am
I am so glad that your contact with Law Enforcement went well and no one got hurt. I can tell you that the stressful feeling of being on the business end of the gun is shared by those handling the weapons too and it is wise to be as cooperative as possible so as not to aggrevate the situation.
Now you know why I have opted to live out my days barbecuing in Ecuador as opposed to facing it off with people who actually do have murderous intentions. Life is good!
The pork (as usual) looks great! Stay warm, my friend!
September 29, 2016 at 10:31 am
Thank you, John in Ecuador! I suppose your former occupation had some moments like that as well. Yeah, it must be quite stressful on the other end of the gun too. You’re right. Man, I can’t imagine. Glad you’re retired and out of that scene, living the sweet life of eternal summer.
Yeah, the police were real nice about it after the fact, but boy, until they knew who you were, the best thing to do is obey their wishes! It helps also knowing that you’re innocent!
September 29, 2016 at 10:41 am
With the current election year rhetoric flooding the airwaves, I am convinced that no one is totally “innocent!”
September 29, 2016 at 12:54 pm
Great story, well told. And that sauce is intriguing. Cheers, my friend.
September 29, 2016 at 8:41 pm
Thanks Todd. Yup one of those stories a fellow doesn’t forget. Burned into my frontal lobe it was. Yeah the sauce is great. That is if you like blackberries. Very tasty on every meat we’ve tried.
September 29, 2016 at 9:16 pm
[“Get off the scooter and put your hands in the air!” croaked the fuzz. More officers suddenly materialized like phantoms on the scene. Resident squirrels darted for cover.] <—- this made me split my sides!! Great story. Glad it wasn't you they were after! I love the break ups in the story for beautiful smoked meat photography. Beautiful!
September 30, 2016 at 6:47 am
Scooters are not safe!
October 3, 2016 at 2:26 pm
I guess not!
October 3, 2016 at 8:38 pm